I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
dutch is not a serious language
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Don’t forget to tip your server
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life