I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
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ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.