I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.