i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
You Might Also Like
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
sistine chapel
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
🤣😈🤣
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
It do be feeling this way.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*