Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?