I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably