I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I’m listening
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway