I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*