Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.