Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

Somedays I just love AI so much

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account