Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

We made a comic about a space heater.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

When libraries troll their patrons.

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.