Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

My favorite farside!!

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.