I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
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HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
🤣✨#caturday
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
seriously you guys
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me