Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

started wrapping my pills in cheese

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird