I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
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Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*