Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?