I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
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5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.