I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Mountain Goat : )
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
For those that worship cheese..
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week