I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Sounds like a real hoot.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh