I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
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[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Breaking news:
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
realest tweet ever.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes