I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
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I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks