I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
As the Lord intended
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.