I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
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Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
bugs when you lift up a rock
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
He instantly became one of the bros
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.