I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
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HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
