Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope