I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The news
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.