Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

i really liked this one

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)