Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”