Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

She was REALLY feeling it.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.