Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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-Librarians arguing

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.