I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Thank heavens for community notes
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.