Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

how to have fun when you’re poor

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident