i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week