Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

Don’t we all.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code