i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.