I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Can confirm.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze