Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Cake safety first. Always.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”