I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
🌱🌱🌱
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Seek kebab; not attention
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend