I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS