Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast