I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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*checks real estate listings on other planets*
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Anime is real
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in