Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

SONOFA

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

I don’t make the rules sorry