Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS