I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
what the hell girl, sure
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?