I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.