I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
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ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.