I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.