Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

Aw man, but that’s the best part

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.