I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
This is my emotional support knife.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.