I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I am never leaving this website
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.