I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
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You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.