Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.