I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds