I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.