I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
.. do you even science?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.