Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.