Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”