Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
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Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.