I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
found this cool rock hiking today
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I cannot stop laughing at this
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.