Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)