I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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The French cow says MEUX…
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Got a light
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I laughed at this way too hard.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
