I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Does this dress make me look cat?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter