I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.