I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*