I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
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My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.