I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
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Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I鈥檓 always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Will you 馃拲馃拲 meow meow 馃拲馃拲 me?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don鈥檛 have to work and pay taxes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it鈥檚 new 馃槀馃ズ
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart