I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Yup.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
