i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.