i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
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TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread