I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.