I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.