I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
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Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“What?”
– Jude
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies