I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
.
.
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😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured