I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.