I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
so this horse walks into a bar
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?