I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Jupiter
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.